i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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