good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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