I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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