i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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