Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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