Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
