please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
