she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
