I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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