that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
