today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
