I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
