so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
