So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
