We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
