literally had 100 drinks last night.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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