I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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