Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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