Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
