just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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