i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
