I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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