Barsexuality is the new black.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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