It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
