I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
