on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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