Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
