I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
