Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
