I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There r osticjed everywhere
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
