Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
