she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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