My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
