come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
