Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
