Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
