I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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