I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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