please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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