I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
