I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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