I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
