So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
