People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
