Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
