That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
why is half of my head shaved?
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