is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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