My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
