ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
