so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
How's work?
Spinning.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
