I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize