Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
