i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
