happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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