Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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