Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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