My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
