I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
