I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
