i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
