Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
