If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
